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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Life simply goes on

I don't believe anything really lasts.
If things lasted forever,
Then coffee wouldn't cool
And songs wouldn't end
And feelings would stay the same
And you would still love me
But the cold hard truth is, 
Nothing lasts forever,
Life simply goes on,
And I'm trying to figure out where to go from here







Monday, November 11, 2013

Don't even tell me where we are going, just walk by my side


I went to the Walk the Moon concert earlier this semester, and my favorite part was when the lead singer introduced this one song that I had never listened to, called Fixin'. He said that the moral of the song is that sometimes you have these people in your life you can just be with and then life fades away. It doesn’t matter what you do, or where you go, or where you are, it just matters that you are there and you are together. That just really stuck with me and I can’t get it out of my head. I look back through my pictures and I think of all the moments in my life where I just wanted someone to walk by my side. Someone who was fixing to come with me. There is just so much horror in the world. So many people are there to tear you down, or to tell you that you can’t do it. So many people never stop and look in your eyes and ask how you are really doing. Or stay and listen to the answer. Few people want to hear about the new friends you have made and smile at your victories and cry at your losses. The world is so cold and calculating, sometimes it’s just refreshing to find a place where you don’t have to pretend. Isn’t it a nice state of existence when you smile because you’re just happy and not because you should be? 
All I wanna do is let it be and be with you and watch the wind blow by

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Out with the October.. in with the November

My month in songs....

When the working day is done....
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun- STRFKR
Gotta love the way you love yourself
Heart Out- The 1975

It's so much colder, but it's no surprise. Changing of the Seasons- Two Door Cinema Club
We're all the things we do for fun
Buzzcut Season- Lorde




And in this perfect weather, it's like we don't remember, the rain we thought would last forever and ever
Sweeter than Fiction- Taylor Swift 

Thursday, October 31, 2013

All Hallow's Eve throughout the years: A lookbook of shame

All Hallow's Eve. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? -xoxo Gossip Girl


The cheetah posed and ready to attack

If you're a bird, I'm a bird... right?

The winged liner was a nice dramatic flair


Things got feisty in the cheetah costume. Fighting over a glow stick? Sword??

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Reality, sometimes it's not all it's cracked up to be

Some day, I'll be living in this big ole city....
One of the saddest moments in life is realizing that everything that made up the dimensions of your universe is gone. Sometimes I forget I have a support system at all. I feel like there is just me, and I am all by my lonesome. The truth is that's how it is. I don't have my sister here to brush my wet hair, so I work out the snarls all by myself. I don't have a mother to walk with me and listen to me talk about my problems, so I don't talk about them. I don't have a father to eat breakfast with me, so now I just eat my muffin alone. I don't have a golden retriever to cuddle with me when I'm alone, so now I don't cuddle. I don't even have my best friends to be with, so I constantly feel like I am walking through my life having experiences that are entirely worthless because I'm alone. Of course I'm not alone, but what's the difference really if you don't feel supported or loved? All I have are these overpriced textbooks to love me, and they don't. That's the problem with putting all of your investments in one place, when it fails you are left with nothing.
I'm not scared of being alone in a big city. Most of my childhoods fears don't plague me any longer. I'm not scared of flying by myself, or talking to people on the phone. I'm comfortable arguing with adults when it is justified, and taking cabs by myself. I know how to cook basic meals, and I can successfully take care of myself. I have so much to be grateful for. I was given the privilege of being offered a wide open space to try and make a new life for myself. For this I was always grateful, until the day my parents moved the last of the furniture into the room and said it was time to go. In that moment I realized that space was highly overrated. The one lesson I have managed to grasp in Economics is the concept of opportunity cost, that with every decision you give up the next best option. The opportunity cost of going away for college was much, much, higher than I anticipated. So high that I have a feeling if I had known it would have been nearly impossible to force me to go. I suppose that is why no one tells you the truth about these things. The only thing that I really am truly afraid of anymore is never being happy. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this is the "good life?" Me standing awkwardly at clubs watching other people drink and be merry, and all the while wishing I was at home watching Downton Abbey with my parents. Obviously most people will think I'm lame. But I don't think anyone can really understand until you find yourself alone in a 12 by 12 room and realize that you live in a building of 300 eighteen year old kids who have no idea what the hell they are doing with their life, and are all making ridiculous mistakes in the process of finding out. Some nights are better than others. Sometimes I look out at the city lights of Dallas and I feel so free and liberated, like I'm living out what Taylor Swift sang in Mean-   Some day  I'll be living in a big ole city, and all you're ever going to be is mean. Now that it is fall and all the leaves are changing I find myself thinking:

Now I know why all the trees change in the fall, I know you were on my side even when I was wrong, and I love you for giving me your eyes and standing back and watching me shine.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Rain


 

           If I had to pick reoccurring symbols in my life aside from tea, fish, and hair, one of them would for sure be rain.  I’d like to think that if I were a type of weather I’d be rain. I like the way rain is multi dimensional, it is cold and wet, yet soft and sweet, and raw and refreshing. I love the way it renews the earth, and how after a good downpour life glistens in a sort of foggy dew of reaffirmed peace. I like the way the world gets really quiet while it rains, and how no matter where I am or what is going on, when it rains I feel a little more special, like that particular day is something out of a good movie. All good movies have one dramatic in the rain scene. I just like the smell of the rain, and the way it sends the wind blowing, and the big dramatic clouds roll in and make the world a little darker. I love the way flowers look when they are covered in raindrops, and I love the way it feels when I walk through the streets holding an umbrella.

            Some of my fondest childhood memories are running around in the pouring rain out on the golf course, sliding down the wet hills on bogey boards, or playing games with my sister about who could wade the furthest out in the ditch without getting pulled away in the current. I remember the time I walked the dog all the way out to the edge of the bayou and I was watching someone’s boat bob around out on the water, when all of a sudden the skies opened up and I got dumped on. I remember how within seconds I was drenched down to my underwear, and how my matted hair had snarled as I’d run home to get back to a warm dry house. I don’t like being wet, but I adore the feeling of raindrops on my face. I remember the cozy days when it would rain for weeks on end, with only a slight pause in between the storms and how I’d take residence in our formal living room  that allegedly had a ghost, with the big double doors shut, and I’d nestle in the armchair with the curtains around me as a blanket and read book after book without end. I love the way thunder sounds when I am falling asleep, like a gentle giant as I snuggle into my duvet.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Happiness project Commandment #12- Get out of your head.

            Greetings from the most boring Discernment & Discourse class of all eternity. My professor is currently sitting in the front of the room lecturing about this ridiculous book about Vietnam and telling these incredibly graphic stories about how people shot themselves to get out of the war. In the meanwhile, I just drank an entire soymilk cappuccino and I’m feeling great even though I slept for five hours. Feeling like a winner.  Today’s inspiration comes from one of the author’s of my Discernment reading, Herman Melville. He writes,  “I try all things, I achieve what I can.” There is no shame in attempting a feat and learning that it is something you cannot follow through. We aren’t built to be perfectly capable of accomplishing everything. Some things are also out of your realm of control. Accept that, and be at peace. I feel like a broken record sometimes, but I find myself repeating constantly in my head, Rome was not built in a day. If one of the finest cities ever constructed on Earth took years to build, then my little universe is going to take some time to fall into place.
This was the most peaceful picture I could find. I love to walk back from class and watch the way the light flitters in from the oak trees. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Flying Playlist

Flying west into an everlasting sunset... Magical. 
I've been flying a fair amount this year and while I have not perfected my "hot mess minus the mess" look that I tend to sport in the airports, I must say my flying playlist is flawless. Nothing is quite like cold coffee,  music, and baggy sweaters as you stare out into the endless sky. Or the reality where you listen to your iPod to drown out the screaming children. God bless their little hearts.


1) Cold Coffee-Ed Sheeran
2) Stay Young, Go Dancing- Death Cab for Cutie
3) Never Gonna Leave this Bed {Acoustic}-Maroon 5
4) Tightrope {Acoustic}- Walk the Moon
5) Summertime Sadness- Lana del Ray
6) I've Got this Friend- The Civil Wars
7) Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift & Ed Sheeran
8) Little Bird- Imogene Heap
9) 12 Fingers- Young the Giant
10) Next Year RAC remix- Two Door Cinema Club
11) Stay- MNDR
12) We Are in Love- Cider Sky
13) Strings Reprise- Young the Giant
14) Love Lost- The Temper Trap
15) Drops of Jupiter live- Taylor Swift
16) Step- Vampire Weekend
17) Sleeps Alone- Two Door Cinema Club
18) Dark Paradise- Lana Del Rey
19. Team- Lorde
20. Heart Out- The 1975
21. Changing of the Seasons- Two Door Cinema Club

Monday, October 21, 2013

It's A Funny Thing Coming Home

"It's a funny thing coming home. Nothing changes. Everything looks the same, feels the same, even smells the same. You realize what's changed is you."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald


Sunday, October 20, 2013

Last October....



Life moves pretty fast, and if you don't stop and look around you might miss it. One of the main reasons I love my journal is that I love going back to this date a year ago in history and laughing at myself and my life problems. Or at least the ridiculous schemes I was plotting. I would like it to be known that every singe one of these issues has now been resolved, and I am still alive and breathing to tell the story of how I dropped my iPhone 4 in a concrete parking lot. So whenever you feel you can't go on, just remember- I wore a slutty cheetah costume for Halloween last year and got asked if I was wearing lingerie five times, and here I am living to see another October. (And to dress as a slutty cat for another year!)

Dear Me of the future and whoever else reads all of this,

My life and hard times or my life in the time of making the single most critical decisions I have ever been asked to make my whole life long. No one ever as sat down with me so many times and just asked me “What do you want?” “ Where do you want to be?” Maybe the truth is I couldn’t really tell you because it is all just one big giant mind block to me. I don’t know what I want and that’s about all I do know. I’ve never found an area of my life that brings me enough joy for me to have a revelation that it was exactly how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. It could happen, but it hasn’t, and that leaves me in the awkward position of trying to force a fit for myself when it just flat out doesn’t. The part of college life that excites me is the part about living in a new place with new smells and new opinions and new faces that want to know me. I like the idea of libraries when it’s raining and the idea of decorating a dorm room in a cozy manner and having a roommate who is my best friend. I just like a lot of the finer details of college living minus the idea of not being to handle my classes or hating it or everyone there. It makes no sense to me that I’m being forced to move out of my house. I just feel like I’m way too small to be out in the real world alone. Not to mention I lack most essential skills necessary to function out in the real world, like the ability to cook, or do laundry, or balance a balance sheet. (I got a 53% on that quiz in business class.)

I also broke my phone this week, even though it’s not totally broken, I mean it still functions.... just not one of the two buttons on the phone, the lock button, meaning the phone is permanently in the "on" position. Could be an extended metaphor for the position of my brain. 

What else has been going on? The new Taylor Swift album came out, so I’ve been listening to that a lot. Then the IB Halloween party is this evening and I plan on attending that in a slutty cheetah costume…. It’s always part of a scheme I assure you. 

Friday, October 18, 2013

All that Glitters is Not Gold

 I’m beginning to realize that Kenny Chesney as a wiser man than any of us could have ever known. I say this because I find myself singing his lyrics repeatedly in my mind- “The more things change, the more they stay the same, don’t matter how old you are…” I always thought that college was just this drastic break from your life where everything in the past became entirely irrelevant. I don’t think it’s so much like that now. I think that like Kenny sings, you can’t just drop the people in the past. You can wish that it no longer mattered, and you can try your hardest to pretend this is your new beginning, but no matter how many thousands miles separate you from high school, you can never get far enough away. Maybe reality isn’t even the right word. You can never get far enough to escape the truth. You can lie every day for ten years, but finally one day, the inconceivable truth reveals itself like an underground blackhead breaking free to the surface. Then the ugly is exposed to us all.
            My point is that perception is deceptive in nature. You can think something for years, and then with one single sentence there is that paradigm shift that shows you that everything was a lie. So don’t base your life values on what you believe to be true, base your values on what you know to be certain. Often enough we judge because we feel we know the whole story. As someone told me last night, the more we find out, the less we really know.   J.R.R Tolkien was able to put what I’m saying more eloquently in words.

“All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.”

Monday, October 7, 2013

So It's Over


And when you say you won't forget me, I can tell you that's untrue. Because every day since I've left you I've thought less and less of you. And I've worn out all the reasons to keep on knocking at your door, could be the changing of the seasons but I don't love you anymore.
Someday you'll be looking back on your life, at the memories, this is gonna be one of those nights.

Arizona, dancing across the desert. In my heart I will always see you everywhere. 

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes, it brought me back to life.

As long as I live, whatever I do-As great as it is, you know what's a bummer, I'm never gonna beat this summer with you.

And nothing seems as strange as when the leaves begin to change, how we thought those days would never end. Sometimes I hear that song and I start to sing along...







Friday, September 6, 2013

A poem I'd like to entitle "Goodnight Shmoo"

In El Dominio there was a fridge full of half eaten queso containers and a picture of my roommate meeting Justin Bieber while he was high. 
There was an illegally hung white floofy dangling from the ceiling and a little baby cactus named Ferdinand perched precariously on the window frame. Up in their lofted beds two girls with the name Maddie lay exhausted. Goodnight floofy. Goodnight Ferdie. Goodnight homeless lady who sleeps on the steps of McElvaney until someone kicks her out. Goodnight Homebar. Goodnight Makrazy. Goodnight Fiji House. Goodnight taxi row. Goodnight Texas boys. Goodnight communal bathroom stall #4. Goodnight Shmoo. 


Monday, August 19, 2013

This is the end...

...of an era. This marks the end of my carefree summer and indicates the transition in my life from high school to college. I'm terrified because I don't know what my future holds for me. I couldn't tell you how anything will work out and I'm scared to find out. At the same time it's frighteningly wonderful, because I've begun to discover that some of the most beautiful moments in life are the unpredicted ones. I learned this summer that the difference between being upset and being happy is entirely perspective. It seems obvious that how I chose to view my life makes a huge impact on how I feel about it, but the application of this is incredible. The lesson is that there is always a bright light waiting for you anywhere you go. The destination is almost irrelevant in light of what you choose to make of it. My predicted path was not very accurate at all, as many of the ideas I had of who I should be were not fulfilled. Some of this was within my realm of control and some of it was definitely not. Regardless, I can sit here and say today I've become even more of the person I'm meant to be despite the disappointment a and let downs. So many of the tumultuous struggles ended up resolving themselves and led me to feel I'm embarking on a journey that's leading me to all the bigger goals in my life. I've said it before, but not getting what you want makes you just as happy as getting something you want does. It's all based off of how you take the current situation and run with it. Holding a grudge for people who accomplished your dreams is absurd, because that no longer matters. If you don't achieve your old dreams, that just means you outgrew them and need to make some new ones. We can never be more than we are. The end of high school showed me its okay if I'm not the smartest or the prettiest or the most athletic. I'm going to keep struggling with those issues in my life forever, but the more time goes on the more I can roll my eyes at my silliness. I'm a legal adult now and intend to begin attempting to act in a way that suggests I am what I want to be. I'm going to be a powerful woman and no one is going to stop me. Now to lift my invisible champagne glass and toast the past. Thank you to all the people who crossed my path and taught me humbling lessons about love, loss, and adolescent stupidity. To everyone who I have loved, I will hold them in my heart forever. And here's to this new chapter of my life on the hilltop in the Big D. Many beautiful flowers blossom from unexpected places.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Haute Girls Eat Napa

Cheddar Biscuits with Honey Butter

Chocolate pie with graham cracker crust and homemade whipped cream

Seasonal  Fruit Crisp 

Kara's Cupcakes

Chicken Salad Pesto Sandwich with Vegetable Chips

Salted Caramel Yogurt

Caramel Macchiato 
Mini Kara's Cupcakes! (We went back)
Cornbread with Lavender Honey Butter
n
Just doing Napa

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Preach It

“Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.” 
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

"You should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it's acid in the face- who will love them now?" 
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

"Everyone knows that you should never wreck your life for a boy, and especially not one that you meet while you're in high school. Seriously, everyone knows it. You never hear someone say, "Oh, wow, you're seventeen and you really like him? That's great, you should do whatever it takes to get him, even if it means wrecking your whole life. 
 —Lauren Barnholdt

“People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” 
― Lemony Snicket


Friday, July 26, 2013

The top ten titles if my life was a teen romance novel

1. You're so Instagrammable

2. No Pants, No Bra, No Problem

3. My Life and Humiliating Times

4. I Just Said What? and Other Reasons my Mouth Should Have an Off Switch

5. Beneath the Bitch Face

6. The World is my Struggle Bus

7. You Loathe Me and I Loathe You

8. I Never Learned How to Pump Gas, and Other White Girl Concerns

9. I'd Rather be Eating Frozen Yogurt

10. No Sauce, Please- How Foreign Men Shaped My Life



This would most likely be an accurate book cover. Comment your favorite title!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Summertime Sadness

                             
       She drank tea and read old books and waited for the summer to end. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Summer Country Song Inspiration

For my nostalgic reflecting, no one says it quite like Kenny does.


Looking back at the moments black and white, I wouldn't change a thing that changed my life. For the worse- for the better, man I was gone, gone forever. The laughs, the smiles, the trials, the tears, it's hard to hate what got me here.


After graduation and drinking goodbye to friends. I go back to watching summer fade to fall, growing up to fast and I do recall, wishing time would stop right in its tracks.



Looking back now really makes me laugh, we were growing our hair and we were cutting class. Knew already there was nothing to learn, we were striking matches just to watch them burn. Listen to our music just a little too loud. We were hanging in there with the outcast crowd. I don't know where the time goes, but it sure goes fast. Just like that we were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue. 
 





Sunday, July 21, 2013

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hello from a plane to the rest of my life. Do you ever find yourself going somewhere and not even fully understand why you are going? I believe it begins with the concept that we can never predict the future, that we never really know where we are going or where we will end up. We just act from the desire to find inner fulfillment and sometimes I don't even really think we know why we crave what we do. I just read the most profound sentence in the book I'm reading. It said "Maybe he didn't live in the past, but the past lived in him." I think that the past lives in us until we don't remember it anymore, and even then we will feel the way we feel and just don't remember why that is. We are made up of all the events of our life that shaped us into the person we have become, and while often it is difficult to acknowledge we become all that we were, it happens regardless. I suppose at some point I made the decision that I wanted to leave my life. So that's what I'm doing. As it is written, You must give up the life you had planned in order to live the one that is waiting for you.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Life Truths

1. Home is where the wifi is.
2. I always win.
3. It's always tea time.
4. Sometimes it happens.
5. Men hate women who weep.
6. Happy. Free. Confused. Lonely. At the same time.
7. Nothing lasts forever.
8. We are all Amanda Bynes.
9. Sometimes you're better off not knowing.
10. The truth sets us free.
11. There's a difference between a great love and the right love.
12. Have a little faith, and when that doesn't work, a whole lot of mimosas.
13. It's always your favorite sins that do you in.
14. You and tequila make me crazy.
15. You never know when you are seeing someone for the last time.
16.You can never love someone as much as you can miss them.
17. We only run from the things that truly scare us.
18. People change and forget to tell each other.
19. Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut.
20. There are far better things ahead than those we leave behind.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Never look for a boy's car or do something like stalk his house it's embarrassing and you'll probably have to go to therapy or journal about it like me to move past the shame



I do not know why I still look for that car. I haven’t been in that car in years, nor have I talked to the owner in months. I wouldn’t even say that I miss him anymore. I don’t stalk his whereabouts on social media, or look for him at parties, nor do I wake up from dreams where he plays my counterpart. He’s not in my life anymore, and finally it feels like this was by my choice, not by force. I don’t have to look for the white Acura anymore because I’m no longer the girl who keeps an eye out for a boy’s car all over town, wondering where he is going and what he will be doing. I suppose it was never so much about the car, although that much was always apparent. I feel it represented what I wanted him to be and what he never was.
            I cannot recall when the car stalking commenced. I would guess it began the summer before senior year when we broke up. I never knew where he was, or what he was doing, and I always wanted to know. The whole summer I just wished so desperately that when I arrived somewhere he would be there too, and that he would be sitting there and get to see me feeling content with my life without him in it. I never saw him though, and I should have realized the fact I was looking suggested I wasn’t as content as I told myself I was.
            I have empathy for every girl out there who has lost someone who they have loved. No one ever wants to hear the unpopular opinion that at some point you will move on and stop caring, but the truth is simply that you do. It takes a very long time for certain girls to move on, but eventually you just hit that place where you find yourself on the top of a mountain and you look out and you ask yourself what you are doing spending your days wishing for a boy who isn’t even there to share it with you. (The mountain part is probably region dependent.)
            For me the toughest part of letting go was my mental scenarios. I always could predict our bright future every turn of the way, envisioning summer nights spent cozied in a hot tub, and sushi date nights. The scenarios developed as our relationship progressed, and as time went on and I began to realize they would only ever be that- mental fantasies. I began to struggle with denial that the teen fiction novel vision in my mind was merely a figment of a powerful imagination. My acceptance of this was incredibly meaningful. I came to the realization that just because I would never live out my invented sequence of events didn’t mean I wouldn’t experience ones in reality that were just as thrilling. I couldn’t predict what was going to happen to me, but that didn’t necessarily mean I wasn’t going to have perfect moments with the car owner in my future. Sequentially, we did share many memorable interactions in our future, and the majority of which were even better than my fictitious versions.
            I always wondered who I would experience all those first times with, and much of those mysteries have been resolved. Now I feel settled and I only reflect on the past with disconnect that I would have never believed possible a year ago today.
           Now that I stopped looking for the car I see it everywhere. It’s at the grocery store late at night, and it’s at the red light at the corner of my block. He’s everywhere now, but not in a frustrating way. It’s almost a comforting way, like the words he told me. He keeps his eye on me.
           In the meantime, I no longer feel as though I am near death when I drive, so that's a significant step towards sanity. Word for the wise- get drunk off margaritas... not love. ;)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Get Fit July- Eat Clean

Lunch can still be yummy even without the chips and sandwiches. I like to try and eat the most fruit at lunch because I feel like it is comprable to eating goldfish or another side dish. My favorite is a bunch of grapes and strawberries. The wrap has egg whites and ham in it, with just a very light sprinkling of cheese. I melted all of this on the stove so that it all melted together perfectly. To spice up water consumption, I squeezed some strawberry juice into my glass to give it the pretty pink hue and add fruity flavor.

Dinner time is not my favorite meal, but this is simple and delicious. I try to eat vegetables with my dinner, and tonight I picked corn on the cob (which I ended up cutting in half), and carrot sticks. I also ended up eating some apple slices as well. My main protein of the night is a low calorie salmon patty with a very small dollop of ketchup for seasoning. Don't forget to drink another glass of water!