Summertime Sadness

                             

       She drank tea and read old books and waited for the summer to end. 

Summer Country Song Inspiration

For my nostalgic reflecting, no one says it quite like Kenny does.

Looking back at the moments black and white, I wouldn't change a thing that changed my life. For the worse- for the better, man I was gone, gone forever. The laughs, the smiles, the trials, the tears, it's hard to hate what got me here.

After graduation and drinking goodbye to friends. I go back to watching summer fade to fall, growing up to fast and I do recall, wishing time would stop right in its tracks.

Looking back now really makes me laugh, we were growing our hair and we were cutting class. Knew already there was nothing to learn, we were striking matches just to watch them burn. Listen to our music just a little too loud. We were hanging in there with the outcast crowd. I don't know where the time goes, but it sure goes fast. Just like that we were wanna be rebels who didn't have a clue. 

 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hello from a plane to the rest of my life. Do you ever find yourself going somewhere and not even fully understand why you are going? I believe it begins with the concept that we can never predict the future, that we never really know where we are going or where we will end up. We just act from the desire to find inner fulfillment and sometimes I don't even really think we know why we crave what we do. I just read the most profound sentence in the book I'm reading. It said "Maybe he didn't live in the past, but the past lived in him." I think that the past lives in us until we don't remember it anymore, and even then we will feel the way we feel and just don't remember why that is. We are made up of all the events of our life that shaped us into the person we have become, and while often it is difficult to acknowledge we become all that we were, it happens regardless. I suppose at some point I made the decision that I wanted to leave my life. So that's what I'm doing. As it is written, You must give up the life you had planned in order to live the one that is waiting for you.

Life Truths

1. Home is where the wifi is.
2. I always win.
3. It's always tea time.
4. Sometimes it happens.
5. Men hate women who weep.
6. Happy. Free. Confused. Lonely. At the same time.
7. Nothing lasts forever.
8. We are all Amanda Bynes.
9. Sometimes you're better off not knowing.
10. The truth sets us free.
11. There's a difference between a great love and the right love.
12. Have a little faith, and when that doesn't work, a whole lot of mimosas.
13. It's always your favorite sins that do you in.
14. You and tequila make me crazy.
15. You never know when you are seeing someone for the last time.
16.You can never love someone as much as you can miss them.
17. We only run from the things that truly scare us.
18. People change and forget to tell each other.
19. Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut.
20. There are far better things ahead than those we leave behind.

Never look for a boy's car or do something like stalk his house it's embarrassing and you'll probably have to go to therapy or journal about it like me to move past the shame

I do not know why I still look for that car. I haven’t been in that car in years, nor have I talked to the owner in months. I wouldn’t even say that I miss him anymore. I don’t stalk his whereabouts on social media, or look for him at parties, nor do I wake up from dreams where he plays my counterpart. He’s not in my life anymore, and finally it feels like this was by my choice, not by force. I don’t have to look for the white Acura anymore because I’m no longer the girl who keeps an eye out for a boy’s car all over town, wondering where he is going and what he will be doing. I suppose it was never so much about the car, although that much was always apparent. I feel it represented what I wanted him to be and what he never was.

            I cannot recall when the car stalking commenced. I would guess it began the summer before senior year when we broke up. I never knew where he was, or what he was doing, and I always wanted to know. The whole summer I just wished so desperately that when I arrived somewhere he would be there too, and that he would be sitting there and get to see me feeling content with my life without him in it. I never saw him though, and I should have realized the fact I was looking suggested I wasn’t as content as I told myself I was.

            I have empathy for every girl out there who has lost someone who they have loved. No one ever wants to hear the unpopular opinion that at some point you will move on and stop caring, but the truth is simply that you do. It takes a very long time for certain girls to move on, but eventually you just hit that place where you find yourself on the top of a mountain and you look out and you ask yourself what you are doing spending your days wishing for a boy who isn’t even there to share it with you. (The mountain part is probably region dependent.)

            For me the toughest part of letting go was my mental scenarios. I always could predict our bright future every turn of the way, envisioning summer nights spent cozied in a hot tub, and sushi date nights. The scenarios developed as our relationship progressed, and as time went on and I began to realize they would only ever be that- mental fantasies. I began to struggle with denial that the teen fiction novel vision in my mind was merely a figment of a powerful imagination. My acceptance of this was incredibly meaningful. I came to the realization that just because I would never live out my invented sequence of events didn’t mean I wouldn’t experience ones in reality that were just as thrilling. I couldn’t predict what was going to happen to me, but that didn’t necessarily mean I wasn’t going to have perfect moments with the car owner in my future. Sequentially, we did share many memorable interactions in our future, and the majority of which were even better than my fictitious versions.

            I always wondered who I would experience all those first times with, and much of those mysteries have been resolved. Now I feel settled and I only reflect on the past with disconnect that I would have never believed possible a year ago today.

           Now that I stopped looking for the car I see it everywhere. It’s at the grocery store late at night, and it’s at the red light at the corner of my block. He’s everywhere now, but not in a frustrating way. It’s almost a comforting way, like the words he told me. He keeps his eye on me.

           In the meantime, I no longer feel as though I am near death when I drive, so that's a significant step towards sanity. Word for the wise- get drunk off margaritas... not love. ;)

Get Fit July- Eat Clean

Lunch can still be yummy even without the chips and sandwiches. I like to try and eat the most fruit at lunch because I feel like it is comprable to eating goldfish or another side dish. My favorite is a bunch of grapes and strawberries. The wrap has egg whites and ham in it, with just a very light sprinkling of cheese. I melted all of this on the stove so that it all melted together perfectly. To spice up water consumption, I squeezed some strawberry juice into my glass to give it the pretty pink hue and add fruity flavor.

Dinner time is not my favorite meal, but this is simple and delicious. I try to eat vegetables with my dinner, and tonight I picked corn on the cob (which I ended up cutting in half), and carrot sticks. I also ended up eating some apple slices as well. My main protein of the night is a low calorie salmon patty with a very small dollop of ketchup for seasoning. Don't forget to drink another glass of water!

Coruscation in real life