A Kind of Nostalgia

Always June...

"I wonder what it would be like to live in a world where it's always June..." Montgomery L.M.

All that Glitters is Not Gold

 I’m beginning to realize that Kenny Chesney as a wiser man than any of us could have ever known. I say this because I find myself singing his lyrics repeatedly in my mind- “The more things change, the more they stay the same, don’t matter how old you are…” I always thought that college was just this drastic break from your life where everything in the past became entirely irrelevant. I don’t think it’s so much like that now. I think that like Kenny sings, you can’t just drop the people in the past. You can wish that it no longer mattered, and you can try your hardest to pretend this is your new beginning, but no matter how many thousands miles separate you from high school, you can never get far enough away. Maybe reality isn’t even the right word. You can never get far enough to escape the truth. You can lie every day for ten years, but finally one day, the inconceivable truth reveals itself like an underground blackhead breaking free to the surface. Then the ugly is exposed to us all.

            My point is that perception is deceptive in nature. You can think something for years, and then with one single sentence there is that paradigm shift that shows you that everything was a lie. So don’t base your life values on what you believe to be true, base your values on what you know to be certain. Often enough we judge because we feel we know the whole story. As someone told me last night, the more we find out, the less we really know.   J.R.R Tolkien was able to put what I’m saying more eloquently in words.

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.”

Summertime Sadness

                             

       She drank tea and read old books and waited for the summer to end. 

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Hello from a plane to the rest of my life. Do you ever find yourself going somewhere and not even fully understand why you are going? I believe it begins with the concept that we can never predict the future, that we never really know where we are going or where we will end up. We just act from the desire to find inner fulfillment and sometimes I don't even really think we know why we crave what we do. I just read the most profound sentence in the book I'm reading. It said "Maybe he didn't live in the past, but the past lived in him." I think that the past lives in us until we don't remember it anymore, and even then we will feel the way we feel and just don't remember why that is. We are made up of all the events of our life that shaped us into the person we have become, and while often it is difficult to acknowledge we become all that we were, it happens regardless. I suppose at some point I made the decision that I wanted to leave my life. So that's what I'm doing. As it is written, You must give up the life you had planned in order to live the one that is waiting for you.

Life Truths

1. Home is where the wifi is.
2. I always win.
3. It's always tea time.
4. Sometimes it happens.
5. Men hate women who weep.
6. Happy. Free. Confused. Lonely. At the same time.
7. Nothing lasts forever.
8. We are all Amanda Bynes.
9. Sometimes you're better off not knowing.
10. The truth sets us free.
11. There's a difference between a great love and the right love.
12. Have a little faith, and when that doesn't work, a whole lot of mimosas.
13. It's always your favorite sins that do you in.
14. You and tequila make me crazy.
15. You never know when you are seeing someone for the last time.
16.You can never love someone as much as you can miss them.
17. We only run from the things that truly scare us.
18. People change and forget to tell each other.
19. Brown doesn't offer a degree in slut.
20. There are far better things ahead than those we leave behind.

Coruscation in real life

What if the things we feel count more than what we do

Hot summer nights mid July
When you and I were forever wild.

Every color in the world is in your eyes
And everywhere you look you shine a light.

Tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through.

I'm walking fast through the traffic lights
Busy streets and busy lives
And all we know is touch and go.

I Digress because I'm Sad

I think it is an interesting fact of life that it makes all of us feel so much better when someone we aren't close to tells us something compared to your best friend or your family. I guess we all believe that the people closest to us have to love us regardless of the instances where we screw up or fail, whereas a random person does not owe us anything. When a guy I don't know tells me I'm pretty it suddenly has so much more credibility, because he has no motive or anything to gain behind telling me the truth. When people we are just getting close to tell us to remember that we are amazing it just feels so much warmer. They don't have to say those things, they do it because they want to and they believe it to be true.

I know I'm in a stuck place when I can't sleep at night, because my brain pounds and not in a migraine way, just a fuzzy way. Like there is no definitions or lines drawn and there is no certainty involved. I wish I knew how to make rejection hurt less. I wish I knew how to stop feeling emotions when emotions aren't worth their weight. The truth is there are things I think that no one knows. Maybe because I know when I say them out loud it will sound silly, or fall upon deaf ears, or just enter into the vortex of things I've said that lost their meaning. That doesn't make them any less true thought does it... Sometimes I wish I could be honest free of the editing I do to spare people. I came to a conclusion the other day about why the summer I spent at Stanford was the best time of my life so far. I realized that it was because those people didn't know me, they didn't know that I was actually over emotional, or a snoopy person, I can't eat sushi with chopsticks, that I run my mouth unchecked, or that I wasn't in the top ten of my class. All they saw was a shell of me, and they really valued me for that version of myself. I felt free from the expectations that I find pressed upon me at school. There was no one that I had to stand next to and feel small beside, no one that thought I talk with double meaning or sassy undertones, and no one to say I was insignificant. Maybe I was insignificant, maybe I always have been. That month was the first time however that people thought I was the best at something. I was the one who brought my best guy friend along and could perfectly curl hair. It wasn't that I thought I was the best person ever, but I just never get to feel like that at home. When I'm here I always feel stuck in the middle, somewhere between invisible and like last season's Tory burch flats. When I look around I gaze out onto a scene of people interacting, and it isn't that I don't feel I belong, it's that I don't want to. I've never felt like anyone's minion, nor anyone's leader. I just wake up in the morning with a very defined sense of who I am and where I want to be. I know the clothes I like and which ones I don't, and I put a lot of emphasis on outward appearances remaining in a poised and composed fashion. What makes me laugh (even though it isn't laugh out loud funny) is that when I get upset, I always tell myself I'm tired of putting on the brave face and waking up the next morning and putting on the eyeliner just like everything is peachy keen. Every time though, even when I tell myself I'm really going to let everything go, I always still pull it together and fix myself some tea and put on my lipgloss. I can't find it in myself to quit. In the midst of winter I found within me an invincible summer.

While I'm on the topic of feeling small, another thing that has always bothered me is that people never remember who I am. I ask myself, do I not have a memorable face? Is it that I'm boring when I talk? Or is it about something I can't see in myself when I look at the reflection in the mirror. It makes me feel even smaller than my actual frame when my life is a constant line of being called a nickname that doesn't fit me or just not remembering my name at all. It's dumb.. I know. I've just always been curious why I didn't stick out. I know I'm just a white girl with no striking features, but I just thought my footprints left a mark where I walked instead of blowing dust to the wind.

Song Lyrics from the past

In my mind, the sun shines all the time. Oh I'm just a summer girl, I wear my flip flops, when I wear my hair down, thats when the party starts, and who needs a boyfriend I've got my girlfriends and when we get together the summer never ends. - Leighton Meester "Summer Girl"

Last night, I fell in love without you. I waved goodbye to that heart of mine, leaving solo on your lawn. Every aching wound, will caught a rising bruise, in memory of what we used to call in love. Motion City Soundtrack "Fell in Love Without You."

Let's fly where we used to run, let's fly where we've never gone, let's dream what we've never done, let's make a road where there isn't one, lets fly, let's go where we used to run. When I'm with you I feel so weightless. Landon Austin -"Where We Used to Run"

Tell me the wars you're fighting, behind the smiles you're hiding, all of the things I know you want to say. We tried our best to find us, but there were no lights to guide us, I can't sleep beside a stranger now. And piece by piece we fall apart, with every beat slows down my heart, so I'll just say what you want say. And I'll take the blame if it's for your sake, we are so far gone, we are so far gone. And this is the face of letting go, all these are things we already know. No turning back on what you can't say. James Blunt -"So Far Gone"

If Only I Had Known....

The Wink of Opaque Delusion

What would I have done the day I took this picture if I had known that the events of this day would follow me? I look so confident, so composed, so laid back in this picture, because I did not know that I was in the span of five hours going to make a huge fool of myself. Words to live by people: Think before you speak. Delusional ideology can really cause some embarrassing situations if we aren't careful in our lives. Some of the most meaningful song lyrics I have ever heard perfectly explain this. This song is Long Gone And Moved on by The Script.

When's the day you start again, and when the hell does you get over it begin? I'm looking hard in the mirror, but I don't fit my skin. It's too much to take, to hard to break my from the cell I'm in. It's time to get real, cuz I still don't know how to act, don't know what to say, still wear the scars like it was yesterday. But you're long gone, and moved on, I still wear the scars like it was yesteday, still talk about it like it was yesterday.

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