Honestly

I have unresolved feelings for multiple people.
It tears me apart inside that I can't be friends with certain people anymore because there is nothing left.
It makes me upset when my friends blatantly make fun of other people.
I'm ashamed of myself for lying so many times in the past.
When I'm happy there is only one person I really want to know about it, and they don't care.
I take advice and criticism much better from strangers than I do with people in my life.
There are things I still haven't told anyone about what happened.
I miss my best friend from elementary school because her house is the safest place I know.
I crave food from different states and it drives me crazy.
One time I drove my car to a random neighborhood and cried for an hour.
Sometimes when I hang out with people I feel like I'm only doing it so I don't have to be alone.
I feel under appreciated.
I think I've been moodier than I've ever been in my whole life in the last six months.
Sometimes I climb out of my window in the middle of the night and walk around.
I drive by one house on purpose.
Sometimes when I wake up I look at myself and feel so pretty I wish someone was there to see it and tell me that too.
I never cheated on a test up unti my freshman year of high school.
I have terrifying nightmares about the end of the world.
I binge eat and sometimes.
I make it my mission to ruin all surprises because I've had too many bad ones of those in my life.
I still wait because I still have hope.

A Rant on Tardy Behavior

Yesterday I got called out for arriving to pick someone up on time. On time. I said I would be there around 6:30, and I hadn’t been to the person’s house in a long while, so naturally because I was ready beforehand and wasn’t doing anything, I left a little bit early to ensure I wouldn’t get there super late. I know some people aren’t like that, and getting places late is of no consequence to them, but for me, it has always been one thing that greatly irked me. So said person made me wait in my car, feeling shameful for close to ten minutes while they did whatever it was they needed to in preparation for my arrival. It just set the night off on a bad note, and while we quickly laughed about it and moved on, it still offended me that I was called out for being on time. When did it become the standard to arrive everywhere at least fifteen minutes behind schedule? I know that in my life I accept this of other people, but I do not customarily do it myself. I don’t like the way it feels to be late places, and as a general principle, anyone who gets somewhere early leads a calmer and more collected life. There is no drama or fear, and no stress involved with hoping you won’t awkwardly walk into an event so late it isn’t even funny, or anything like that.

One other example that comes to mind is this time before I could drive when I asked my friend’s mom if she could take us to this meeting. Well I would cut them some slack for the dilemmas of the day, but they are late everywhere, so I don’t really think that this one time was any different than always. So the people took forever for us to leave, and I knew the place of the meeting was at least thirty minutes away, so when we left to get to the place we were going with fifteen, I knew it wasn’t going to be good. We ended up arriving at the meeting one hour late. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t even want to go in at that point, and I convinced my friend that we shouldn’t. I had never in my life missed more than half of a meeting before. It wasn’t so much that we didn’t go, but the fact I had put on nice clothes, and done my hair, and blocked out half of my day to go to this meeting, and then thanks to something not related to me, I was incredibly late. It’s just one of those instances in life that is so frustrating.